As I took another breath I reminded myself to think about happier thought. Suicide isn't the answer. I dropped the cigarette to the floor and stomped on it lightly before walking towards my home. I drained myself in perfume just to get a bit of the smoke-smell off me, even though I knew that I would smell no matter what. 

In that place again, in that dark place. Lost a friend again. If she feels like she can think about a future without me and not get broken hearted then that is nothing for me. But it hurts sometimes, because sometimes I do miss her and the way we used to be. The phone calls in the middle in the night with emotional conversations and crying and telling each other that we love each other, I miss it. I miss it so much it hurts my soul, it rips me apart and it tears my heart. But I gotta keep a face, I gotta act strong. People assumed I was inlove, the way I treated her and was with her but I just had genuine love for her as a friend, I had so much more love to give. So fucking much. But it's ok.. I'll move on, I'll walk past that and will stop thinking about overdosing anything I can get.. Soon, soon.

Sometimes I lose my faith, sometimes it's all gone and all I want to do is slit my wrists and sleep forever. Sometimes it gets so hard, sometimes for no reason at all and all I want to do is drown. Sometimes someone says something that hurts me deep inside and I just want to stab myself and sometimes I just look at myself and feel my heart drop and eyes water. It's all those things that happen all the time that are life-threatening, all those things that could end my life. Always standing infront of that drawer looking at the knives as if I could hug them for being so dangerous. Standing with a razor in my hand considering cutting, standing infront of the medicing cabinet and just wondering how many would kill me.

It's all those things that I feel

It's all those things that you can't see

And one day I might just be there, lying on the floor with a note by my side and no one knew

No one knew exactly how I feel, no one will know exactly how I feel. Not even if described in detail. But it's ok. It's one of those things that people aren't supposed to understand. It's something that should be just between you and yourself, only you understand yourself. You can't expect someone to care and understand. 

But it's hard. It really fucking is.